Lucius' Everyday Adventures
by GlowingGold
Summary: Follow Lucius through his everyday adventures, from lunch to his Death Eater duties.
1. Subs

Lucius sniffed and shifted his cloak. The tables had shreds of lettuce and onion on them, the counter around the register was covered in bread crumbs, and the Muggle serving him was being quite rude.

He rapped his cane against the molding at the bottom of the counter and sneered.

"I said NO peppers. Bloody Muggles." The girl shot him a dirty look and roughly scraped the peppers back into their tub. She folded the sub up and put it on a tray, slapping the tray on the counter and making the register beep.

"That'll be six-oh-five, _sir._"

Lucius slapped a ten on the counter and took his tray, stalking off to the cleanest table he could find. He propped his cane up against his chair and inspected his sub, before taking a large bite and closing his eyes with glee.

He might hate the bloody Muggles, but he sure loved their subs.


	2. Shampoo

Lucius turned on the tap and watched as the light pink water splashed into the tub, bubbles forming on the surface. He sighed and rolled his shoulders as he removed his (very soft, very comfortable, and VERY expensive) bathrobe and stepped into the tub.

He soaked for a few minutes, letting the exotic pink bubbles cleanse his skin, before he reached over for his very favorite shampoo. The one that came in the crystal bottle and had a delicate Lavender bundle drawn on the front. The one that was light purple and smelled _heavenly._ The one that no one but himself was allowed to use, no matter how much Cissa wanted to. The one that was currently…gone?

Lucius stared at the bottle, dumbfounded. He turned it upside and shook it, but not a drop came out. He was angry. Very, very angry. All he wanted to do after a long, hard day of torturing Muggles and kissing Dark Lord butt was take a nice bath and use his Lavender shampoo. Was that too much to ask!

He stood and left the tub, pulling his bathrobe on as he walked though his overly spacious and outrageously decorated bedroom. He found his wife in the parlour, listening to a soap opera on the WWN and eating chocolates.

"Oh, hello Lucius. Have a nice bath?" Cissa always could feign innocence well.

"Actually, something unexpected came up and it had to be cut short." Here, he leaned over the couch and pressed his nose lightly into his wife's hair. "By the way darling, your hair smells wonderful."


	3. Losing Things

Lucius was relaxing in his Very Nice Leather Chair reading a very nice story about a Dark wizard who had lost his hat when he felt the burn of being summoned. He sighed, marked his place in his book, and fetched his robe and mask out of the not-so-secret back compartment of his wardrobe. He put on his comfy Death Eating loafers and was all ready to go, when he realized he didn't have his cane.

Now, usually the Dark Lord discouraged his Death Eaters from bringing anything that could possibly be used to identify them to meetings, but he had a soft spot for the cane. It was just so stylish. What with the little silver snake head and all.

He searched all of the places he usually kept the cane, but he could not find it anywhere! The burn was getting worse, and he knew he would be in very, very big trouble if he were any later to the meeting, but Lucius really wanted his cane. He pulled every house elf he could find into the search, and even got Cissa and Draco (very unenthusiastically) involved.

Some minutes later, one of the house elves came running up to mater Lucius with the cane, and held it out to him. He demanded to know where it was, and the elf flinched before quietly answering:

"Master leaved his cane at the sub shop and Windy hads to steals it from a Muggle to gets it back. So sorry, master Lucius for making yous late to your meeting." Lucius hit the elf round the head with the cane, then Apparated off to his meeting.

Later he found out firsthand that being hit with the cane was a lot less fun then it sounded.


	4. Baseball

"Okay Draco, let's try this again." Lucius threw the ball, and Draco watched indifferently as it whizzed by his head. Lucius sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, summoning the ball back. "You should probably attempt to hit the ball, son." Draco sighed loudly.

"This is so MUGGLE, father. It's completely pointless and well beneath our station. I don't see why I have to learn about this stupid game. I'm hot, I'm tired, and I think I'm getting a tan. Skin damage, father, think of the skin damage!"

Lucius gritted his teeth, and prepared to throw the ball again.

"I told you, Draco, the annual Death Eater's father-son baseball game is coming up and I refuse to be bested by Crabbe and that lump of a thing he calls son again!" He thought for a moment before adding, "I'll even look the other way when I catch you with that life-size Harry Potter cut-out in your closet."

The next time he threw the ball, Draco hit a home run.

A/N: Well guys, I'm getting down to the last of the drabbles I had prepared for this series. Since I'm writing them for you guys, feel free to submit a topic you'd like to see Lucius tackle on during his Everyday Adventures. It can be anything, from a single word to a whole scenario.

Thanks for the reviews!


	5. Ouchies

Lucius awoke one night to nature's call. He rolled over and groped with his feet for his lush house shoes.

He stumbled blindly through his large bedroom on his way to the bathroom. On the way there, he tripped over Cissa's expensive nightie, which he had thrown on the floor hours earlier. He narrowly missed the desk chair, and just as he was about to push open the bathroom door, he stubbed his toe on the doorframe.

He let out a loud, filthy string of curses. He was hopping about cursing the doorframe and the dark when Cissa sleepily sat up and told him ever-so-politely to please shut the bloody hell up so she could go back to sleep.

The next morning he ordered the House Elves to install a nightlight in the master suite.


	6. Shopping

"Oh, darling. Come look at this necklace! Isn't it gorgeous?" Narcissa crooned and gently stroked the shiny bauble. Lucius hefted the bags he was carrying from the floor and slowly waddled over to his wife.

"Oh. Um. Hm. It's lovely darling. Is it time to go home yet?" Cissa gave him the Evil Eye before returning her attention to the necklace.

"Not yet. We haven't even been to Mordred's yet!" Lucius groaned and shifted his weight. His feet were killing him and all of those bags were really starting to hurt his arms.

Narcissa spent the next twenty minutes deciding whether to buy the necklace or a stunning pair of pink diamond earrings. Eventually she chose both and Lucius was _this_ close to banging his head very, very hard on the next convenient surface when she told him that they simply _had_ to stop at every. Single. Shop. On the way to Mordred's.

By the time they got there, he would have sworn his feet were falling off and his arms were well on their way. Cissa couldn't seem to make up her mind about anything, and when they were in the shoe department and she was deliberating over the green pair and the JADE green pair, he finally lost it.

"Cissa, just get them both. In fact, lets get them ALL. I will gladly buy you every single shoe, robe, and piece of jewelry in the entire shop if we can just go _home._"

Narcissa began to pout and kicked off the shoes she had been trying on before looking up at Lucius with her bottom lip poking out.

"Luciusssss. You're no fun at all. I _know_ we can afford to buy it all but it's just so much more fun this way. Don't you like spending time with me?" Amazingly, she managed to get her lip to stick out even farther.

Lucius sighed. He could never resist her pouty face. Damned woman.

"Of course I like spending time with you, darling. I'm sorry. I'm just…tired"

She smiled and picked up the shoes again.

"Good. Now, which one do you like best, I do have to admit though, I am partial to the jade…"


	7. Singing

A/N: Dedicated to Ron's Secret Lover, who wanted to see Lucius perform at a talent show by singing or dancing. I couldn't make the talent show happen but it turns out Lucius rather likes to sing in the shower.

Narcissa sighed and pulled her stitches out. Embroidering Lucius' Death Eater robes with his patented LM symbol was a lot harder then it seemed. Especially when he insisted it be done in thread made of pure silver.

She was pulling the stitches out for a third time when she heard it. It was light and distant, barely audible above the sound of the water running in the shower.

Lucius was singing. In the shower. Along to the latest Weird Sisters tune.

Cissa couldn't help herself and burst out giggling.

When he emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, she couldn't even look him in the eye and pretended that the stitching needed her complete attention. He started humming the tune while dressing, and she just couldn't hold it in any longer and laughed out loud.

"What in the devil is wrong with you, woman?" She cackled louder.

"Nothing –gasp- dear, honestly. -gasp-" He shook his head and turned back to the wardrobe, muttering about batty women.

From then on every time Narcissa heard that song, she had to leave the room for fear of collapsing into giggles.


	8. Tea Party

A/N: Dedicated to Ginny Baudelaire, who wanted to see a tea party.

The Dark Cave (Lord Voldemort really had been watching too many old Batman episodes) was teeming with Death Eaters and various baked goods. Crabbe and Goyle were attacking a package of chocolate cookies while Snape was seated in a corner, by himself, taking small bites out of a crumpet.

Lucius pulled out his silver lined ancestral Malfoy family teacup when a very timid looking house elf brought out the tea.

The Death Eaters sat around in their circle sipping tea and making small talk about their plans to kill so-and-so, or to bribe this official to do that. When talk of the holidays came up, Lucius told them all how he was planning on taking Cissa away to Greece after Christmas, and how he so hoped she'd force the house elves to make those chocolate covered things he liked. The afternoon wore on and after all of the evil planning for the day was done, the Death Eaters left to return to their homes.

Later that night Lucius was trying not to fidget while listening to Cissa recount her busy day planning the Holiday parties. She had noticed and was _not_ pleased.

"Honestly Lucius, I'm absolutely beat after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it. It's like you just sat around drinking tea all day."


	9. Night Terrors

A/N: For lurv2boogie, who wanted to see Lucius knitting a tea cozy whilst whistling the Macarena. Strange, but fun. :D

Lucius hummed a catchy Muggle tune to himself while knitting an orange and purple tea cozy. He was quite cheerful and the dark wooden rocking chair he was sitting in was quite comfortable.

As he knitted, he wondered why he wasn't more disturbed by what he was doing. No matter, the Macoroni song or whatever it was made everything better.

"Heeeeeeyyy Macarena!" he mumbled to himself and his knitting needles clicked together. This purple and orange tea cozy would go wonderfully with the mustard yellow socks he had knit himself earlier.

With a start, Lucius awoke. He was sweaty and panting, scared out of his mind.

The tea cozy, the annoying Muggle song, the _socks_ they had all seemed so real! Lucius steadied his breathing and then settled back into bed.

He knew it must have just been a bad dream. Mustard yellow looked horrid on him.


	10. Vacation

A/N: For siriusfanatica, who wanted to see a Luxury cruise. I apologize for the lateness, but the holidays have been kicking my butt. :P More drabbles are on the way, and the whole project should resume Normal Operating Schedule after the holidays.

Draco gripped the railing and tried not to heave his breakfast over the side. This was an absolutely batty idea. He had known it would be nothing but trouble since he stepped on this floating death trap two days ago. They hit a patch of rough water and he gripped harder as his stomach turned.

Lucius, however, was having the best time of his life.

Lying out in the sun (with loads of sun block on of course, to prevent skin damage) and sipping alcoholic beverages all day long whilst cruising around the Mediterranean Sea had been a wonderful idea, and surprisingly, it hadn't been his.

Cissa had wanted to do something romantic and fun for her birthday, and a cruise had seemed prefect. Lucius had agreed, and was all ready to go when something unfortunate happened.

Draco came home for the summer.

Lucius had sighed and gotten him a ticket, knowing full well he didn't want to go to Camp Merlin again, where they had left him almost every single summer he'd been alive. He hadn't known Draco would get seasick though, and had to keep moving farther away from him on the deck, as the retching sounds were disturbing his sunbathing.

He took another sip of his Mai-Tai and closed his eyes, relishing the feel of the sun on his skin.

"Father? I don't feel so well." Draco stepped in front of Lucius, blocking his sun.

"Go down to the cabin and take one of those Muggle pill things, son. That woman said they would help." Draco scoffed.

"I nearly choked to death on the last one. I refuse to do it again!" Lucius grunted in frustration and was contemplating whether or not Cissa would be angry if the boy 'accidentally' took a portkey to Camp Merlin when another unfortunate thing happened.

Draco gripped his stomach and promptly vomited all over his father.

Lucius wrinkled his nose in disgust and thought to himself: 'so much for luxury.'


	11. Cocoa

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me; I only play with them. 

For writerchicky1425, who wanted Lucius to be obsessed with cocoa.

Lucius shuffled into the Manor's kitchen, his fluffy slippers making a scratchy sound on the tile. He yawned and stretched, scratching his belly with one hand as he reached into the cupboard with his other.

Hm, this was strange. He didn't feel his can of imported cocoa powder. It was always on the second shelf, right next to the bag of marshmallows. He felt around some more, but still couldn't find it.

He grabbed his wand and tried summoning the container; nothing turned up. He raided every cupboard in the kitchen, but still couldn't find it.

A half hour later Draco came into the kitchen carrying a package in plain brown wrapping, rubbing his eyes.

"Stupid owl got confused and came to my window instead." He said, tossing the package on the counter where Lucius stood staring blankly at his empty mug and bag of marshmallows. "Aren't you going to open it? It's from Mexico. It's probably that chocolate stuff you get once a month."

Lucius' eyes widened and he slowly opened the package, his hands shaking with excitement by the time he peeled away the last of the packaging and got down to the small metal tin. He flipped open the lid and breathed in the heady scent of the powdered chocolate. Draco backed away from his father slowly and proceeded to run out of the kitchen and back up the stairs, to where he was out of the way and he was safe; his mother had told him about how his father got around the cocoa. You could even go as far as to say he was a tad obsessed with it.

A short time later found Lucius sitting by the fire, his mug filled to the brim with cocoa, small marshmallows bobbing on the surface. He took a long drink of the cocoa and smiled. Everything was a little better when the cocoa was around.


	12. In the Closet

A/N: For Kougaismyhomeboy who wanted Lucius to deal with Draco coming out of the closet and/or a day at the spa. Very fun to write, I even managed to get the spa trip in there.This might resemble a certain part of a certain South Park episode in which a certain celebrity was in the closet and refused to come out. Aha.

"Draco, you need to come out of the closet."

"I'm not _in_ the closet, father."

A defeated sigh. "Yes, yes you are son. You are defiantly in the closet."

"….not coming out."

"Please? Potter needs his closet back son."

"...you're the one in the closet."

Closet door opens slightly. Lucius goes in to try and retrieve Draco.

"Hm. What do you know, it's quite nice in here…..for Potter's closet of course."

"Of course father."

Potter grumbles from the doorway to his room. Nice. Now he had two complete nutters in his closet.

"Come on you two, come out of the closet! I'm goingneed to go into that closet soon!"

A muffled giggle. "We all know you're in the closet Potter."

"Stuff it Malfoy, and get out of my closet!"

A very feminine shriek comes from the closet. "Aaaahhhhhh! What touched me!"

"I believe that was cotton, Draco." More shrieking, followed by a blur of blond hair tumbling out of the closet.

"Uuugggghhh. I can't believe it touched me. Your closet is disgusting, Potter. Cotton, honestly." Potter blinks.

"Ha. You came out of the closet, Malfoy."

"Stuff it Potter. I think I need a day at the spa to recuperate from this traumatic experience. Ta, father. I'll be at the spa."

As far as we know, Lucius is still in the closet.


	13. Mirror Image

A/N: For pAdfOOt'sLiLrOckchick who wanted Lucius to meet the man who plays him in the movies. I am in no way insinuating that Mr. Issacs enjoys Subway subs, or wearing his Lucius garb to aforementioned places of business. (:

Lucius hummed to himself as he stood in line at the Subway, waiting for his sub to finish being made. While he was waiting, a tall, stately man with long white-blond hair came up and stood next to him. Lucius barely allowed his eyes to touch on the man, before he noticed something strange.

The man looked _exactly_ like himself. He turned slowly, just enough so he could see the man better. The nose was a little off, but otherwise it was like looking into a mirror.

Creepy.

The man noticed Lucius staring at him and turned to better see Lucius. After a few minutes, the man raised his left hand to flip his hair over his shoulder. Lucius mirrored him, and so the games began.

Both men tried to slip the other up, but to no avail. One would lift his leg, the other would mirror him, one would make an absurd face, and the other would do the same.

Quickly, Lucius pulled his wand on the man and demanded that he reveal his true identity. When the man explained that he was just in costume, and was on a lunch break, Lucius blushed a little and tucked his wand away, complimenting the man on his character's sense of style before quickly gathering his sub and leaving.

Imitation really was the best form of flattery.


	14. Lucius Rides the Lift

A/N: For The Future Mrs. Grint, who wanted Lucius to ride an elevator. )

This is appearing before the hiccups drabble that was requested simply because Lucius refuses to let me write him with hiccups. It will be posted as soon as I break him down. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season.

Lucius stood in the lobby of the Muggle office building, before the lift. He was trying to figure out how to make it open.

"..Alohamora!" and yet the doors stayed closed.

"Abra Cadabra!" and yet the doors stayed closed.

"…open please?" and yet the doors stayed closed.

Finally, a young man walked up and pressed the 'up' button for the lift. He gave Lucius a funny look when the jumped as the doors opened. Lucius and the man boarded the lift, and the man pressed the button for floor twelve.

"What floor do you need, mister?"

"..twenty…five." Lucius was examining the numbered buttons.

"Twenty-five it is." The man pressed the button, the doors closed, and then a very strange thing happened.

With a slight grinding noise of metal on metal, the lift moved up. It was nothing like the lift in the Ministry, oh no. This lift gave Lucius the feeling he was floating as it flew up through the floors, and when it stopped on floor twelve, he felt as though an imaginary hand was forcing him down to the floor. Very strange indeed.

The man stepped off, and Lucius made to follow.

"Didn't you need twenty-five mister? This is twelve."

"Oh…oh yes. Of course." Lucius coughed and stepped back into the lift, the doors closing and the machine moving up again. He'd gone up a bit (the little box above the numbers said it was floor seventeen) when another Strange Thing happened:

The lift stopped, and the doors opened. Without Lucius pressing any sort of button.

A woman got in, and pressed the button for floor twenty-eight.

"Mornin'" She said politely.

"Good…morning." Lucius said, weary of this new stranger who could stop the lift from outside of it.

Eventually floor twenty-five came, and he stepped off when the doors opened, glad to have his feet on solid ground again. After he stepped out, the lift doors closed and whisked the woman away again to a whole different part of the building.

When Lucius left that afternoon, he decided to take the stairs.


	15. Writers Block

A/N: I apologize for my lack of updates. I have a small case of writers block, and unlike Lucius I have not been lucky enough to bang my head hard enough to knock myself out for a few hours allowing the creative process to take place. Here's to hoping I'll get my muse back from vacation soon!

Lucius crumbled up the sheet of parchment and threw it into the rubbish bin.

He pulled out a fresh sheet and dipped his quill in a fresh pot of ink, but he couldn't think of anything to write. He had writers block.

He had topics; he had ideas. He had a Dark Lord WAITING on this report. Yet he still could not seem to get anything committed to paper.

With a sigh he threw down his quill and slumped forward in his chair, banging his head on his desk. He raised it and banged it again, and again, and again.

"Lucius, do stop that thumping darling; I'm trying to knit." Cissa called from the drawing room.

He raised his head and banged it a great deal harder. So hard in fact that he blacked out.

When he awoke it was dark in his study, and the ink pot had tipped over staining the side of his face and a few strands of his hair black. He grumbled and went to wipe the ink off when all of a sudden, he had the perfect idea!

He excitedly scribbled on the parchment. Voldie would be pleased indeed.

When he was done, he stood up clutching the parchment and let out a large "WHOOP!"

From the drawing room he heard Cissa call: "Lucius dear, do stop that noise darling; I'm trying to knit."


	16. Mistaken Identity

A/N: Sorry, still not back to the prompts yet. But I thought this was a neat idea. They really do have similar hair, you know. ;)

"LEGOLAS! Oh my god, Becky, it's LEGOLAS! And he's in COSTUME!"

Lucius paid no attention to the squealing teen girls at first, continuing his walk down the busy city streets, noting the plentiful amount of people he assumed were here for a Lord of the Things convention, seeing as they were all in ridiculous costumes.

The girls soon caught up to him and one grabbed his arm while the other reached for his hair.

"Jenny, it's so SOFT. Just as silky as it looks." She sighed, but Lucius was too preoccupied with trying to retrieve his arm from Jenny's Death Grip to notice.

"Unhand me, women!" he cried, trying to escape. The girls only burst into excited chatter, the grip on his hair getting tighter. Merlin help them if they dirtied or pulled out any of his hair.

"Oh my god Becky, did you bring your camera! We NEED a picture of this!" The girl called 'Becky' reached into her ridiculously sized shoulder bag and after a few minutes of searching pulled out a small disposable camera. "I got it!"

Jenny pulled Lucius towards the camera and Becky snapped the picture, then they switched so they each got a picture with him. A few minutes later they both left, giggling over the pictures and the few strands of hair they managed to procure.

Lucius was left dazed on the sidewalk for a few moments before swiftly walking to an alley and Apparating away to the edges of the Manor's grounds. He needed a drink. Badly.

Three weeks later when they were back home Becky and Jenny were showing off their Legolas pictures to their friends.

"See, there's Jenny with him, and there's ME. We even got some of his hair! It was so awesome." She gushed.

"Uhm." Her friend frowned at the picture. "Honey, that's not Legolas. That's just some blonde guy. Look at the ears. All wrong."


	17. Lucius Gets a Television

A/N: for the reviewer who left the prompt Lucius Gets a Television. He doesn't like being ignored. Good news is that I'm back on prompts, and hopefully this doube-update makes up for my absentness the past few days.

Lucius finished plugging his telly-visor into the wall socket and went to the couch, pulling out the telly-visor controller and pressing the big red button at the top just like the brochure said to. It blinked on to a program featuring a woman sitting behind a desk, staring straight out of the screen and talking.

"There have been no leads in the murder investigation so far"

"Well maybe they're not looking hard enough." Lucius responded.

As if she hadn't even heard him, the woman continued on, "Now, to Dale with the weather. Are we going to see more sunshine tomorrow Dale?"

"Dale? Who's Dale. Don't change the subject, woman!" Lucius said.

An older man with grayish hair came on the screen and started talking and gesturing to a map behind him. Lucius scowled and pressed the little upwards pointing arrow on the controller. The people on the next seven channels didn't respond to him either, and in a fit of rage Lucius flipped off the telly-visor and threw the controller down, stalking off to his study.

The WWN had better shows anyhow.


	18. Hiccups

A/N: For Someonewithapencil who wanted Lucius to get the hiccups and GMGs-4eva who wanted Lucius to walk in on Voldie and Bella. I managed to get both in this adventure. Ha.

Hiccup! Hiccup! Lucius hiccupped his way down the main hall in the manor, striding angrily.

"Master is angry?" a timid house elf asked.

"Yes –hiccup- master is angry!" Lucius spat. "Fetch me a glass of –hiccup- water!"

The elf rushed off and returned quickly with the water. Lucius downed the entire glass and waited a moment.

"I think they're –hiccup-….not gone." He scowled at the house elf and threw the glass at it.

"If Flossy may say so master, master should hold his breath." The elf flinched and closed it's eyes, opening them when Lucius did not hit it with his cane. When it looked up, Lucius was holding his breath and turning a light shade of purple. "Master should probably stop now, sir. It is not a good thing to be purple sir Flossy thinks."

Lucius let out his breath in a big gust of air, but after a second the hiccups were back.

"Where is –hiccup- the Dark Lord, elf?"

"Dark master is with Miss Bella in the parlor, sir. Just like you told Flossy to send them."

"Fine. You are –hiccup- dismissed." The elf ran off with the glass quickly, presumably to tell the tale of the day Master Took Advice from an Elf.

Lucius hiccupped his way down the halls to the parlor, and when he pushed open the door leading into it he was met with a horrific sight: Bellatrix Black and the Dark Lord in a very compromising position. He gaped for a moment before turning tail and closing the door quickly, his face bright red.

A few seconds later he realized his hiccups were gone.


	19. Best Day Ever

When Lucius got up that morning, he felt like it was going to be a Good Day. When he took his morning shower, there was plenty of his shampoo, at breakfast there were scrambled eggs and toast with strawberry jam, and that afternoon he saw Draco spending time writing a letter to that Parkinson girl and not spending far too much time with his Potter poster.

The weekly Death Eater tea party went well, with plenty of crumpets for all, and Cissa had ordered his favorite Devils Food cake to be made for dessert that night.

But something didn't feel right. Something just HAD to go wrong. There hadn't been a day in months in which something dreadful hadn't happened to him. He was sure that this was it when Cissa came to him looking very worried earlier that evening. She'd been upset about something to do with Draco, and Lucius had thought 'Oh no, I knew it. I just knew it,' when Cissa had said something about him stepping on her knitting needle and her needing three new sets because of it. Lucius breathed a sigh of relief and stopped listening, nodding occasionally until she left.

His paranoia continued all the way until he went to bed that night. He was lying between his 3000-count Egyptian Cotton sheets wearing his very comfortable silk pajamas and listening to Cissa's very light ladylike breathing but he couldn't sleep. He just felt like something was going to go wrong. Something HAD to. It just did.

He stayed like that all through the night. When the sun was peeking over the horizon and his bedroom was bathed in light purple and pinks, he rolled over and closed his eyes. The entire day had passed and nothing had gone wrong. He'd had a Good Day.

Moments after he closed his eyes, a cry rang out.

"Master, master! There is large crowd of Muggle girls at door! They's looking for Legolas and won't go away!"

Lucius sighed and threw the covers off, getting out of bed. He just KNEW something was going to go wrong.


	20. Awkward Moments

A/N: For The Dark Evil One, whose request made me giggle so hard I just HAD to write it. Thanks doll for making me smile. :D

"So what was the most embarrassing moment of your life, Lucius?" Snape asked. The Death Eaters were having their weekly tea and were trading embarrassing stories. Lucius thought for a moment, before deciding on one particularly embarrassing moment.

"Well, Draco was about six years old and I was just coming home from a long day of bribery at the ministry…" he remembered it clear as day, even now.

FLASHBACK!

Lucius sighed heavily and dropped his thick wool cloak on one of the house elves, trudging up the stairs to his room hoping for a nice, long bath. When he got to his bedroom door, he could hear singing from within, and he thought that Cissa and Draco must be singing nursery songs together again. He smiled fondly and opened the door only to come face to face with a horrific sight:

Draco was wearing his mother's high heels. And her dress, pearls, and lipstick. And he seemed to be trying to figure out her mascara tube, all the while singing to himself. Until he noticed his father, that is.

"Daddy! Look what I did! Don't I look PRETTY!" little Draco cooed, examining himself in the mirror. With wide eyes, Lucius turned around and yelled out of the doorway, "CISSA! CISSA! I NEED YOU. QUICKLY!"

Narcissa came running, and when she got there she was quite put-out.  
"What on Earth could you possibly need me for so badly Lucius-" She stopped at the sight of Draco. "…oh." After a moment of awkward silence, she went to her closet and rummaged around, coming back out with a small book. She handed it to Draco. "There you are darling. Everything you need to know."

Lucius snatched the book and read the title, puzzled. "'My First Makeup? What on Earth does he need this for, Cissa? We shouldn't be…ENCOURAGING him!" Cissa rolled her eyes and took the book from Lucius, handing it back to Draco.

"Darling, he IS a Malfoy. If he's going to do it, he might as well do it right."

End FLASHBACK!

The other Death Eaters looked at him, and after a few moments Snape patted him on the back.

"Well, at least your son will always be one of the prettiest boys at parties."


	21. Dance Class

A/N: For writerchicky1425, who wanted Lucius to take a dance class. Sorry it took so long.

"One, two, three. One, two, three" The instructor tapped her foot to the count, moving around the room and inspecting the couples.

Eighteen year old Lucius was not having fun. He was saddled with the pale-haired Black girl, and she was stepping on his toes every few minutes as they waltzed around the room.

"Ouch! Bloody hell Narcissa. Watch my toes." He whispered angrily.

"Well maybe if they weren't so BIG I wouldn't step on them." Narcissa hissed in reply. Lucius scowled at her, and cursed his father for arranging his marriage to this unpleasant girl, hence the waltzing lessons for them both.

They continued waltzing, but the instructor stopped them when she reached their corner of the room.

"Stop, stop stop! You two are getting it all wrong!" She impatiently moved Lucius' hand lower on Narcissa's waist, and watched disapprovingly as they started waltzing again. "Girl! Learn to keep time!" She said sharply to Narcissa. Narcissa had had enough by this point, and stopped Lucius, moving from his grasp and whirling to face their instructor.

"My dear woman, I am an heiress to the house of Black, a far more noble and powerful house then you could ever hope to be associated with. I am above you not only in rank but in quality of blood and obviously intelligence too. Now stop correcting us and leave us be or I shall show you what it truly means to be a Black." Her tirade finished, Narcissa turned back to Lucius and repositioned his hand on her waist, placing one hand on his shoulder and grasping his other in hers. "Lets dance, shall we?"

As they continued to waltz (with no further interruption from the instructor) Lucius thought that spending the rest of his life attached to this woman suddenly didn't seem all that bad.


	22. Picnic In The Park

A/N: This was not a prompt, but a little bunny that sprouted from a conversation about kingly football games and What Lucius Would Do If It Happened To Him. Enjoy the weirdness. (:

When Lucius had suggested that he and Narcissa have a picnic in the park that afternoon, he could never have foreseen what would happen.

They were enjoying their meal (Lucius had a ham and cheese sub, Cissa was eating grapes and French bread) when Lucius heard a distant shout, and sounds of a ball being kicked around.

"Bloody kids. Ruining a perfectly good picnic afternoon." He muttered.

"Why darling, the birds are lovely today." Cissa remarked, in her vague, upper-crust way.

After a few more minutes of quiet munching and remarking on the incredible weather, something completely different happened.

A football ball hit Lucius squarely in the chest, knocking his sub from his hands, landing on the checkered blanket.

"What the duce….?" Lucius said, quite peeved.

"Sorry about that!" A man said, running into the picnic area after the ball. He was dressed in old medieval clothing, with a cape and funny little shoes, and was that…an arrow?..sticking out of his chest!

"Uh. No problem?" Lucius, said, distracted by the arrow.  
"Oh darling! We have company!" Cissa said, seemingly just noticing their guest. "Who are you, then?"

"Boromir. Nice to meet you. Gotta get back to the football game, though." He said, flashing a smile and dashing off again.

Cissa happily went back to her bread and grapes, and Lucius scowled at his dropped sub, reaching into the basket for a new one.

"Strange man, that one." He muttered under his breath, taking a bite of his sub.

A few moments later, the ball returned and with it another man dressed in king's clothing. The man collected the ball and proceeded to run away (Bravely!) back to the football game. Lucius peered out into the clearing and eyed the glimpse of the game he could see warily.

About a half hour later the ball came flying back into the picnic, upturning Lucius' glass of wine, staining the white squares on the blanket a deep burgundy. A man dressed as a king came jogging into the clearing after the ball, apologizing as he ran.  
"WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU ALL DRESSED AS KINGS!" Lucius demanded angrily. "My wife and I are just trying to have a bleeding PICNIC and you all keep UPSETTING IT. I don't give a sod about your ball or your game and you all can just go rot!" He threw his hand up in defeat and stood, grabbing Cissa's hand and pulling her up with him.

"Come, darling. Let's go home. We can finish lunch there."

"But Lucius love, I want to go watch the handsome king play football…" Lucius narrowed his eyes and tightened his hold on her hand, continuing on his course towards home.

Stupid kings and their stupid games.


	23. Stealth

A/N: I hadn't realized how long it'd been since I'd updated until I took the time to check! I've been a little preoccupied, and honestly writing these drabbles (and getting enough energy to try to make them funny) has been one of the farthest things from my thoughts. Hopefully, I will soon return to regular updates. Enjoy!

Lucius shiftily peeked out from around the corner of the tree, and when he saw the coast was clear, he scurried across the open bit of the field to a patch of bushes where he threw himself down under the cover of the bushy, pokey plants.

After peeking out over the bushes, he threw himself down the nearby hill, rolling to a sudden stop behind a large oak tree before double checking once again and then making an all out dash through the rest of the wooded area separating the grounds of Malfoy Manor from the Muggle area of Wiltshire.

Once he'd reached the area beyond the reach of the wards, where a Muggle sidewalk lay, he started a steady, lazy stroll all the way into the depth of town. He brushed a stray leaf out of his hair and straightened out his flowing black robes before opening the door to the sub shop as if he owned the place.

Which, considering how much money he spent there, he just about did.

Minutes later, as he sat eating his salami and cheese sub, he thanked his lucky stars that doing undercover field work for Voldemort required as much skill as sneaking away from Narcissa's tea party to enjoy a sub did.


	24. Magic Tricks

A/N: For LuciousLadyLucius, who wanted Lucius to mock Muggle Occult stores. :D

A/N2: I found this while going through some old files of mine. Many apologies for it's lateness. Unfortunately, this is probably the last one of this particular series for a while. You can still check out some of my other fic at my livejournal, glowinggold if you want. :)

Lucius strolled down the boardwalk, hand in hand with Cissa while Draco trailed sulkily behind.

"Oh, look at that Lucius; that muggle is doing magic tricks! How quaint." She pointed to a man pulling a multi-coloured scarf out of his sleeve.

"Ha. Ignorant Muggles. That's obviously nothing more then a parlour trick." They continued on until they came to a shop front that had strings of beads for a door, and smelled like incense.

"Get your fortune read, only fifteen pounds!" Lucius sneered at the woman, who was swathed in thin, brightly coloured scarves adorned with tassels and beads.

"Everyone knows Divination is a load of bullocks, woman." He said as he led Narcissa (who actually seemed to want her fortune told) and Draco past the street-side stand.

They passed another man, who was doing more 'magic tricks'. He was standing on a box in the middle of the crowded public square, a group of children and adults (all muggles, obviously) crowded around him. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, for my first feat, I'll need a volunteer!" the magician cast his eyes around the crowd, and settled on Lucius. "Sir!" he cried, "Step right up sir, and help the magical Magician Barbrosa perform a dazzling trick!" Lucius glared at the man.

"No thank you, Draco, Cissa, come along. We've appointments to keep." He started walking away, but the man kept calling to him.

"Come, sir, don't be afraid. It's just a spot of magic, nothing dangerous at all. Don't you want to see my amazing, magical powers at work?" Barbrosa lifted his 'wand' (nothing but a plastic tube filled with air, really) and waved it lazily at Lucius. "So what do you say, sir? Will you help Barbrosa the Great share his magic with these lovely people?" Lucius laughed.

"I'll show you 'magic'." Lucius took out his wand and cast a transfiguring spell at the muggle. He was turned into a greenish brown toad, complete with sticky looking eyes and croak. "Abracadabra indeed."


End file.
